twilightghosts

I wish you have just a fraction of an idea how much this is killing me, softly but surely.

Coming back to this space again, where there's a pocket full of sunshines teehee. Was just reading about my life a couple of years ago and I guess I'm really much much happier now. I couldn't see it then, but I thought I was not good enough for you, right now I know it's the other way round. Regrets, they are so bittersweet. But who am I to complain when I have someone who completes all of my days for me. Yesterday was our happy eleventh, we didn't do anything explicit because we're in the midst of our exams. But that only makes it more special for us next month :) Deliberately trying to spend my day alone, just so you could be liberated from me and spend a day with your best friend. I am regretting every single of this when I can't get any motivation to roll out of bed this morning with the knowledge that I wouldn't be seeing you later. But all's well, thank you for making me feel like a princess these eleven months we had tgt. I love you :)

Taking time off to breathe this weekend. Citibank's finally down. i've never worked so hard for a project before. Back to school on a saturday till 10pm, then back on sunday till 6am on monday morn and finally monday till 10pm before presentation on tuesday. Like woah, it really took so much of me to tell myself to hang on and not breakdown, so much of me to tell myself to press on and see hope in the report and presentation. But what I'm really thankful for was for awesome groupmates and company. So I'm finally done with the last midterm ytd and I've been giving myself a break ever since.

Today I went for a haircut, thread my brows, spent some time with the BFFs and then head to school for lecture before attending NUSSU Appreciation Dinner. Glad that Bash Pub  won itself a trophy hehe. I look at my friends and my peers going up on stage to get their awards and due recognition, suddenly I feel so tiny in comparison. I mean, they are really people to look up to. It's no mean feat having to meet such demands and I really do respect them for their dedication. Sometimes I don't know if I try hard enough I could even achieve half of what they do. But really, they're a source of inspiration and I guess I need to push myself even more.

Finally shopping tmrw and then NIKE run on sunday. With my schedule fully booked, I don't know why I still feel so unproductive. I really need smth to work towards to.

Feeling damn miserable now and I have no one to turn to. Just need to breathe and know that I'm not a robot.

This close to breaking down and fucking everything. What do I have to hold on to?

I am a mess, my life is in a mess and I am a mess emotionally. I am hurting for god knows what reason and my life is so lifeless that I don't know what to do. Where do I derive my source of energy from when there are moments of failure and I find myself crying about being alone and so helpless. But then again I am moodswinging like crazy so I am a PMS bitch now. Maybe this all won't make sense to me anymore. But anyhow recess week just sucks so damn much. I'm not productive. It's non stop proj meetings and all my tutees are asking for extra lessons. And no, I have not start revising for any midterms. I just want to hit town one day and not bother about all these commitments I have and just return home early one day, be in the best mood and just lie around and love my beautiful life. But that is not going to happen until the sem is over and we still have half of it left. I don't know whether I can pull through this. I don't want to cry about my results and feel so stupid all over again.
What do I do what do I do? I don't have the right to feel so unhappy and I don't have the time to let myself fall and then pick myself up again.

Fucking mess.

So long since we've all sat down in a circle to catch up and tallk about our lives, albeit with all the burden we may each be carrying. I am thankful that I met this bunch of kids who are so ready to share and care. The idea of Union really brought all of us tgt despite the different faculties we're from, perhaps the dynamics of our group are just in the right proportions. I love my friends, I really do and I really enjoy dinners and catchup sessions like this. One year later, all of lives have changed to perhaps include another significant other in our lives; we bring with us our stories to share and that really warms my heart.

Recess week is finally here and I'm glad it started on a good note from dinner with Thingies. It's been awhile since I thoroughly enjoyed a night out with friends not worrying about academics, I'm really glad. So it just got me thinking, how I've let go of so many friends the past year. Today Prof was just speaking about friendships with our peers, and the hard truth is that we rarely move along life with all our friends. We're there for each other at that very stage in life, but we start to lose each other when we no longer have shared experiences. We always recount the past just because we barely have anything to talk about in the present. That just struck a note in me, on how much I've stopped trying and make efforts to maintain those friendships. It's all too easy to say that you have no time. But honestly, life is so tiring that even if you do have that bit of time, if you cannot maintain it overall, or that it requires too much of you; do you think you can commit to it?

Friendships are commitments; less than a relationship with a significant other, but it still requires almost similar amounts of efforts. I need to stop ridding myself of these commitments, just because they are still so close to my heart.

These months have been a struggle where the days are filled with tears and accusations on my part. It's back and forth and back and forth, but I suppose I found smth worth fighting for. In any case, the feelings make this even more real so I really can't deny it. I just hope that yes, everything will be well.

School has been crazy but when I start to give up, I remember what I am fighting for. So tmrw I am motivated and today I want to believe in myself. It's these daily battles that maintain my well-being and my equilibrium so I need to find more comfort in this. No one can take this away from me and I know it from past experiences. 

But I do need a break soon and declare a rest day. A well-rested and relaxed Tiffy must not be compromised!

 Feeling my heart constrict a little tonight. Just caught up with a good friend, had an awesome meetup with a group of friends and also lost a good friend along the week.  Sometimes I just don't know how to keep up with all the people in my life. There's always a point whr you're thr and the other person isn't or vice versa, and we're all too caught up with our lives all the time. Just want a hug and make all these insecurities and vulnerabilities go away, go away go away!